First it was a grackle that flew into my windshield. Soon after it was a chickadee. Then a goldfinch and I think maybe a pine grosbeak but I can’t be sure now. For some reason birds kept colliding with the windshield of my car while it was parked in the driveway. “Have you tried covering it with a blanket?” my neighbor said. “I didn’t try that no” I said. I grabbed a blanket from the cellar and affixed it to the inside of the windshield with some duck tape. Then I stood back and waited. About thirty minutes later there was a new sprinkling of birds on the driveway. I was starting to really worry. Then I saw my neighbor’s head peer over the fence. I decided to investigate. As I approached the fence I heard some scrambling. And there it was. My neighbor had been releasing various birds from a wire cage. Each one had a small blindfold on it. He looked at me like I’d just caught him masturbating. “What are you doing Jim?” I said. “I just can’t stand you anymore, Rick. You used to be a good friend, but since the election I just see you as a threat to my way of life,” he said. “Why birds though? And how did you get their little blindfolds on?” I said. “Did you hear what I said?” he said. “I heard you, but again, why little songbirds?” I said. “I had to make it look natural,” he said. “There’s nothing natural about trying to drive your neighbor insane by directing innocent little birds into his windshield,” I said. “They’re not innocent,” he said. How are they not innocent?” I said. “They go to the bathroom on everything,” he said. “That makes them criminals?” I said. “It would make me a criminal if I did it,” he said. “But you know better,” I said. “We both have brains and know how to go to the bathroom,” he said. “Stan, I think there’s a false equivalency in there somewhere,” I said. “I’ll show you a false equivalency,” he said. Stan got up and ran at my car, jumped onto the hood and flipped down onto the windshield. His limp body slid down off the side and lay there, supposedly lifeless. “I can see you breathing, Stan,” I said. “You see what you want to see,” he said.