I’m asking myself not just where am I at this moment, but how can I be when becoming is always becoming a question that shatters into other questions about hereness being always so ambiguous and self-negating.
For instance, when I ask where I am, am I asking in reference to an emotion, and how one always seems to serve as a vehicle I take in order to travel in two directions at once, the way an ocean wave moves forward toward land because in its lower, less visible anatomy just as much of it is moving backwards toward to the ocean it also is?
Then there’s the literal place getting warm under me, as we speak, to consider. I mean, this chair seems to be a participant in my sensing it beneath me, seems to offer a backwards pressure that’s nice enough to land on I don’t have to worry I might lift off and start rising toward the sun.
Until I admit to myself chairs can’t feel, start to doubt this chair letting me know I’m here in all my unfindable me-ness, and instead consider the territory of a participant/observer consciousness where the I stepping back from itself in order to identify the me merely pointing back to how at a distance it can’t witness its own approximating throughout the liminal, not without lifting back into the conscious moment, realizes it can’t put a finger on anything, especially itself, at least not without taking that finger away, that I away?
Could I be asking if the answer to where I am is a memory about a certain event I continue to relive, like someone with PTSD who hasn’t fully realized yet that even neutrally ruminating about something they are not sure they’ve experienced can be the wisdom mind’s way of saying they have yet to practice getting behind imagination and together with it, rushing the castle gate of shame?
The best answer I can give to all of these is a sort of yes AND no, uncertainty being what will never change in this great experiment. One thing’s for sure though, there’s a lot of asking left to do when it comes to the problem of not knowing how to locate here-ness.