When I think about what it would be like to finally find that face under the mask and never have to wear another one, I feel happy.

Except that’s not the kind of me I want to be.

The kind of me I want to be can be like water so, no matter what I come up against, I can sort of let go and become more of what resists me, and vice versa.

I want to change into everything and everyone and be from anywhere and everywhere so harshly I’m more like a stone than water.

Which is why I’m studying how to be like both, imagining myself as a rockslide of decisions and feeling how I’m always spilling over banks and always unable to hold back, no matter what I think,

no matter how hard I try to keep my hair in, or pot my face so that it won’t sprout roots I’m always a way of emptying.