I can’t remember a time I didn’t want
to do something without thinking
if I could understand it more deeply
I could figure out how to feed it,
like that moment you learn
a fire needs less flame and more air
for it to become a fire.
I’ve never wanted to be a decider of anything,
unless I was deciding to be indecisive
for the sake of another beginning.
That’s why I’m having such a hard time
at this social gathering
I’m not sure I want to mentally figure skate
The frozen emotions in my head
I’ve attached my feelings to
know I’ve been attending parties like this
that aren’t my thing
in an effort to locate and define the silence
they arose from
without having to fall into a drink first,
since before I could remember.
There was that time at a dance
I stopped hopping over my third leg
under the spinning
disco projections and just closed my eyes
until I landed on a floor that felt like water,
where all I wanted was to undulate
in that floating mind-space until
I could sustain myself by that current,
like a wave that instinctively knows
how to give back to itself more of what it is
in order to help itself move forward,
but which just means it wants to remain a wave.